Stages and Messages in a Past Friendship: A Case Study

Reflecting on the stages of relationships and interpersonal communication theories, a friendship from my college years exemplifies these concepts beautifully. Let’s call my friend Sarah and explore the stages of our relationship.

Coming Together Stage:

• Initiating: We met in a freshman orientation program and discovered shared interests in music and movies. This initial exchange established a foundation for further interaction.
• Experimenting: We spent more time together, attending concerts, watching movies, and having deep conversations. Self-disclosure increased, and we learned more about each other’s personalities, values, and communication styles.
• Intensifying: As trust and intimacy grew, we confided in each other more deeply, sharing personal struggles and dreams. We celebrated each other’s successes and offered support during challenges. The frequency and duration of our interactions increased significantly.

Clues: Our communication shifted from casual introductions to open and honest conversations. Laughter, shared experiences, and a sense of ease in each other’s presence marked this stage.

Maintaining Stage:

• Integrating: We developed a strong sense of “we” and a shared history. We incorporated each other into our social circles and felt comfortable introducing each other to other friends.
• Balancing: While maintaining closeness, we also nurtured our individual lives and social circles. We respected each other’s need for space and understood that true friendship doesn’t require constant togetherness.
• Bonding: Our friendship became a source of comfort, support, and unconditional acceptance. We celebrated milestones and offered a shoulder to cry on during tough times.

Clues: Our communication became more relaxed and comfortable. We could joke around, give each other constructive criticism, and understand each other’s unspoken needs. There was a sense of mutual respect and trust.

Coming Apart Stage:

(Unfortunately, our friendship eventually transitioned to this stage)

• Differentiating: As we entered different life stages, our interests and priorities diverged. We began spending less time together due to career paths, new relationships, and changing social circles.
• Circumscribing: Our conversations became shorter and less frequent. Topics often revolved around logistics or updates rather than deep personal sharing.
• Stagnation/Termination: Physical distance and changing priorities further strained the connection. Efforts to maintain the friendship dwindled, and eventually, the communication ceased.

Clues: Our once frequent communication became sporadic or nonexistent. Conversations lacked depth, and there was a sense of emotional distance. It became clear that our lives were on different trajectories, making it difficult to maintain the closeness we once shared.

Communication Theories in Action:

This journey through the stages of our friendship highlights several communication theories:

• Social Penetration Theory: Our self-disclosure gradually increased, building trust and intimacy. As we entered the “coming apart” stage, self-disclosure decreased, and the relationship weakened.
• Uncertainty Reduction Theory: Initially, we sought to reduce uncertainty about each other through communication. As the friendship waned, the need for uncertainty reduction lessened.
• Interpersonal Communication Styles: Our communication styles likely played a role. Perhaps our preferred styles diverged as our lives changed, making connection more challenging.

Lessons Learned:

Reflecting on this past friendship allows me to appreciate the dynamics of relationships and the importance of communication in maintaining them. While some friendships may naturally evolve and fade, this experience underscores the value of open communication, shared interests, and effort in nurturing strong bonds.