If I inspected my 14-year-old child’s phone and discovered that they were talking to a person of the opposite sex that I did not know, and the conversation talked about “keeping it secret” and “not telling anyone we are doing this,” I would be concerned. This could be a sign of grooming, which is a process by which an adult manipulates a child into trusting them so that they can sexually abuse them.

Here are some things I would do as a parent:

• Talk to my child about the conversation. I would ask them who the person is, how they met, and what they have been talking about. I would also explain to them that it is not okay to keep secrets from me, especially about things that make them uncomfortable.
• Set boundaries. I would let my child know that they are not allowed to talk to this person anymore. I would also explain to them why I am setting this boundary.
• Monitor my child’s online activity. I would check their phone and computer regularly to see who they are talking to and what they are doing online.
• Seek professional help if needed. If I am concerned that my child is being groomed, I would seek professional help from a therapist or counselor.

Is this a sign of grooming?

It is possible that this is a sign of grooming. However, it is also possible that my child is simply talking to a friend or classmate that I do not know. It is important to talk to my child to get more information.

Is this a crime?

It is not necessarily a crime for a 14-year-old to talk to someone of the opposite sex who is older than them. However, if the older person is grooming the child, then it is a crime. Grooming is considered child abuse.

What would I tell my child?

If I talked to my child about the conversation and I was concerned that they were being groomed, I would tell them the following:

• “I am concerned about the conversation I saw on your phone. It is not okay to keep secrets from me, especially about things that make you uncomfortable.”
• “I am setting a boundary that you are not allowed to talk to this person anymore. I am doing this because I am concerned about your safety.”
• “I will be checking your phone and computer regularly to see who you are talking to and what you are doing online.”
• “If you ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe about anything, please come and talk to me.”
• “I love you and I want to keep you safe.”

I would also explain to my child what grooming is and why it is dangerous. I would also let them know that they are not alone and that there are people who can help them if they are being groomed.

It is important to remember that every situation is different. If you are concerned that your child may be being groomed, it is important to talk to them and to seek professional help if needed.