Though it is unclear why she did not want to meet him, she sent
him money as she greatly admired his work. Despite what it seemed on the outside, Tchaikovsky was emotionally troubled,
weeping and doubting himself very often, and took to alcohol as a form of relief.
After enjoying numerous successes and frequent travels, Tchaikovsky money and letters from Meck came to a halt. In 1890, she abruptly terminated all communication and support, claiming bankruptcy, though that wasn\’t the case.
It wasn\’t the loss of the money that had greatly upset him. It was the sudden termination of his emotional companion of 13 years. This was a blow for the already emotionally sensitive composer. In 1891, he fled to the US after receiving an invitation to the opening week of New York\’s Music Hall (which was renamed Carnegie Hall a few years later). He visited Niagara Falls and conducted in Philadelphia and Baltimore before returning to Russia.
Traumatic Experience and Crisis
Discussion of Tchaikovsky\’s personal life, especially his sexuality, has perhaps been the most extensive of any composer in the 19th century and certainly of any Russian composer
of his time. It has been said that Tchaikovsky experienced deeper, more violent continual emotional upheavals than all the other composers combined. As a young man Tchaikovsky
suffered traumatic personal experiences. Although he enjoyed many popular successes, Tchaikovsky was never emotionally secure, and his life was punctuated by personal crises and periods of depression. Contributory factors were the shock of his mother\’s death, his suppressed homosexuality and fear of exposure, his disastrous marriage, and the sudden collapse of the one enduring relationship of his adult life, his 13-year association with the wealthy widow Nadezhda von Meck.